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  • jhoannaloualbano

There goes that fear again

Guggenheim in Manhattan, June 2015

I was looking forward to 2024, work-wise. So many exciting things in store that we will go ahead with in the coming year.

And then my newest hire informed me that she will be leaving soon. I tried to take it in stride but my behavior Friday informed me of how scared and really, how demoralized I feel.

It's been a tumultuous year, full of fast transitions, six-day work weeks, the full kahuna. I just came from a weeklong self-care leave in fact because I had absolutely neglected myself in favor of work this whole year. But whatever restoration I achieved that week was drowned out by her announcement.

When we hired her, I knew my team found the last piece of the puzzle. In the two months she's been with us, I saw my team grow into their roles further, become better writers and reporters. We became more organized, we were more in step, a lot more aligned.

On a personal level, I found myself with enough elbow room to not only focus on my actual job (before her, I would help out in doing a reporter's job, an editor's job, hr even, on top of my job), but to also pursue the changes the new leadership wanted to implement, and own an important job nobody in the newsroom had the bandwidth for or interest in.

It's a lot of work and a lot of changes, but I like it. I could feel myself growing.

So yeah, in the coming year, I don't know what to do. No, actually. I do know what to do but I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to go back to the fast transitions that didn't allow any sort of rest. I don't want to go back that road anymore. I don't want to make myself small just to fit a box I've long outgrown.

I want to be able to focus on my actual job and like my team, become better at it. I want to be able to honor the commitments we made from all the changes her presence these past two months have allowed us to pursue. I want to be able to pursue my promotion. I want to be able to pursue my dream job that clearly the network is also in dire need of.

So perhaps consider this a wish, a prayer, a manifestation? For a job that better aligns with my goals, vision, and values. For an equitable work situation that doesn't put the onus on an employee stretched thin. To quickly find a replacement who is just like my exiting new hire.

If you have a solution for me, I'm all ears.

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